There’s a lot of crap that’s been going around for quite some time about “helicopter” parents in general. There are definitely extremes (that are NOT okay), but at the same time, I don’t think anyone has truly addressed the positives about being a helicopter parent. It’s not all bad, people…
Why I AM a helicopter mom (and I’m not ashamed of it)
Before I go any further, let me say that my “helicoptering” does not go nearly as far as some parents. I do let them do stuff on their own, I prefer to teach them things rather than do things for them, etc. But I am also not going to let them go off on their own and do whatever they want for endless amounts of time. I don’t let them walk places all by themselves, I don’t let them go on sleepovers or drop them off at birthday parties (I know, hate me).
Here’s my reasoning. Yes, they do need to learn life skills, they do need to be independent enough to make their way in the world, they do need to be confident enough to succeed. But they DON’T need to be placed in scenarios they are not yet able to handle, without any help to learn how.
I know, you say I’m crippling them.
How many stories have you seen spanning the news recently (or even crossing your own personal life) about child abuse of any form? Shaming certain body types or even just levels of “weirdness?” Adults confessing how childhood trauma (that most others would deem as irrational or unimportant) affected them well into their teenage years and shaped their entire lives?
Yes, there are boundaries. There are things all children should experience and learn in order to grow into capable adults.
But here’s what I’m saying: helicoptering (in many forms) is okay.
Especially when it keeps a child safe.
Because that’s our ultimate goal as parents, right? To raise healthy, capable, and unscarred children.
I think every parent’s worst nightmare is for their child to be truly hurt. A scratch is one thing, but long-term physical or emotional damage is completely different. I am not about coddling a child for stubbing his toe. But at the same time, I am not going to let him run off into a minefield and *hope* he figures out which areas are unsafe.
The most important thing about parenting is knowing your child’s limits, and equipping them to reach further. Exploration and discovery are wonderful things, but let’s teach them how to take full advantage of these experiences, rather than sending them off in the dark and hoping they figure it out, at whatever age or skill level they happen to be.
It’s like going to a new country with a different culture and values. Wouldn’t you be embarrassed if you sat down to eat a meal as you always would, only to find out that your mannerisms and even the way you placed your hands completely offended your host and those around you? All because no one took a moment to explain to you that things were different here, and teach you the basics you needed in order to at least be cordial to your host.
In the same way, if we don’t teach our children HOW to ask the questions they need in order to explore and discover… We leave them to wander like little cavemen, hoping they bump into the discoveries already made, when we could instead help them stand on our shoulders and reach further than we ever could. And we also blind them from potential mistakes that could handicap their entire future.
Should we not, at the very least, guide these little humans in their discovery, enabling them to make bigger choices than we ever could based on the solid foundation they have received?
In light of all the horrific stories we hear from both children and adults these days, you would think there would be more “helicopter” parents, and less of the opposite–simply because we, in our very nature, seek to protect what we love. We can let them fall and pick themselves up again and learn without willingly sending them into a pack of wolves.
It’s a hard job, parenting. We will all make countless mistakes. We will all feel incapable. But we all have the tools to help our littles grow bigger than ourselves. And that, I think, is the whole point of parenting.
ALSO LIKE THIS…
I’m so glad you posted this! I have had these thoughts since I first became a mother, since before I ever knew the term “helicopter mom.” I love watching and helping my kids gain social skills and how to handle situations. I am one of the few moms I know that don’t do sleep overs, send them off to overnight camps, or leave them with sitters that don’t know very well. As I’ve grown into my mom suit, I have gained confidence in following God’s leading on parenting. Always double checking to make sure fear is not my guide, but God’s wisdom and love leading me.
You are not a helicopter mom.
I was, and probably still am a “helicopter mother” I make no apologies for it either. My children are just about to be adults on the brink of “real life” I kept them safe and guided them the best I could, and i swell with pride at how each and every one of them have turned out, We have 3, 2 daughters and one son. Each one, truly awesome in their own way. If being a helicoptor mom had even a little hand in that, my job is done
this is not helicopter parenting. Helicopter parenting is constantly hovering over very moment of your child’s life. So, unless you are particularly fond of the inaccurate label you’ve given yourself, you can drop it without apology.
*Every moment (not “very” moment)
You are a Wonderful Mom, let them call you anything they please…. I was told I was an “over protective mother” by a court appointed mediator when we attempted to gain custody of my step daughter when she was 3 years old. Her mother could not find her when my husband was attempting to pick her up for visitation. The scary part is her neighborhood was filled with home invasions, drive by shootings and people she did not know. My husband was frantic and the ex wife kept laughing at him, since she was never allowed out of our sight and we live in a small town in a gated community with 24 hour security. I still had to be outside with the kids when they were playing, riding their bikes (not on the road, unless they were with an adult), they had supervision. I guess I’m a helicopter mom too! Or was, they’re all grown up now…. well, in college. Over 21. My daughter is 35, married and has a 6 year old. She is a teacher. My son is 23, he is in Med school…. Sadly The Step Daughter she is in college, we are required to pay 75% of her private college tuition…..(easy to get in a private college, money will get you in anywhere, tuition @$26,000+ per SEMESTER!) As much as med school for business college, lol! And we never have heard from her….Not for years. She begged to live with us until she was 12. Parents should never alienate children! She will understand someday….
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SO many things seem to be that you are either THIS, or THAT. No in between! You do a good job of addressing the ‘in between’.
I am completely on the same page. No one will watch over your child with the same level of care and concern that you will. My home is open to any kid that wants to sleep over but I refuse to allow my children to attend sleepovers. My job is to provide them with the tools to handle tough situations and I just don’t feel they are at an age where they should even be put in situations where those tools will be needed.
I have a different sedition of being a helicopter parent. It isn’t about physical presence and therefore safety, the examples you gave are simply common sense and you would be reckless to let your child run free. Helicopter parenting is more about your reaction and response to their experiences.
It’s coming in to their defense when the teacher gives consequences for bad behavior. It’s doing your child’s homework FOR them. It’s ensuring you do everything they can so they don’t experience failure and grow from the experience.
A helicopter “flies in” to the rescue, hence the term.
Sorry. “Sedition” = definition.
Having 5 children under 5, I am somewhat forced to be a helicopter mom. My husband and I have always been paranoid. It didn’t help. My 16 month old daughter suffocated in a piece of furniture last month while I nursed my newborn. She was out of my sight for 10 minutes. The guilt and grief are all-consuming. It’s worth every inconvenience to keep them safe
You are right & not a helicopter Mom you are just guiding thru the mindstorm of life. Helicopter stands there all the time you dont. There is a dif for sure. As Moms we are there so show them & help them to know the right & wrong way & to correct them to learn the right way. That is the correct way. I grew up in the 50’s and I was allowed to roam more than my younger sis who was not as outgoing as I which also makes a dif. She was a sick child who really did need to be coddled (heart) so learning those things came much later for her. Teach them right & a pop in the butt when needed will make for a good child
I refuse to allow sleep overs as well and totally agree with you.