Dear Mom & Dad,
Don’t let any of this taint our cuddle moments (however few I still let you sneak in), slimy kisses, or bedtime stories (by which I really mean my fav book read 10+ times), but we have to talk about Santa.
I get it. You guys need a fall guy. That big fluffy bearded man everyone wants to hug (and sit on his lap, apparently) just seems like the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card. But listen. As much as I love the extra attention, there’s a few things about this whole scenario that have to stop.
Going to bed early
Seriously. I already go to bed when the sun has just barely graced the horizon with its presence. I don’t need any more snooze time. K? I’m gonna wake you up extra early and you know it. Cause, hellooo? CHRISTMAS. And if I even think I MIGHT be fully rested by 5am, you know you’ll find a little something extra under the tree.
Cookies and milk
Since when does he get extra snacks and I don’t?! Me = growing. Him = needing a diet. Moral of this story: I NEED MORE COOKIES. And also milk. Milk is good. I like milk. Especially with cookies. Give to me the cookies.
Um, pretty sure the last time I put toys and/or chocolate in my socks, you got upset with me. Yet it is PERFECTLY OKAY for you (okay, okay, SANTA) to stuff a GIANT sock with random crap and expect me to unload it. Something wrong with this picture? I think so.
Coming down the chimney
First of all, we don’t have a chimney. Already about to start throwing a threenager-sized fit if that’s the only way I get presents. Second of all, even if we did have a chimney, didn’t you say to stay AWAY from dangerous and hot things? Yeah… That. Good job being a great example, Santa.
I know Santa’s elves (aka you) have spent a long time making every corner and bow look perfect, but when it’s going to be disintegrated into confetti in all of five seconds Christmas morning, what, exactly, are you trying to prove? Take the picture now, cause ain’t no way I’m letting you get a shot of “baby and the presents” before it’s “baby and toygeddon 2015.” I mean hello, paper was meant to be shredded. Re: every time I get at the toilet paper roll. You’re literally asking for it. Give me the gifts now and get it over with. #justsayin
I love you guys, you wipe my butt and make sure I have cheerios to shove up my nose in abundance, but lighten up on this whole Santa thing. I didn’t give him my first cheesy grin and slimy kiss. I gave those priceless gifts to you. So dress up in the suit if you want, but keep the most important things in focus. Like cookies. In front of me. Right now.
I love you. Xo
❤️ the toddler
P.S. But really. Cookies. Waiting.